I am just not sure

A new year.  This ones gonna count big time.  I have a new angel looking my way.  But, miss seeing his brown eyes here.  I hope I can keep him alive through my living. That is how it works, right?

Big fat tears always fill up my eyes.  The kids are back in school and all the moms ask me how Christmas was for our family.  I am just not sure.  I tell them that our whole family got to be together and it was good.  I try not to cry.  I don't really want to ruin their day by telling them that my dad died.  You know?  We were all together and it was a giant relief to know that Papa wasn't sitting in the Veteran's home waiting for us to be there with him.  He was at my house this year. Mannheim Steamroller was played often on Pandora, and I felt him near.  I would say it was one of his favorites.  Now it is mine.

I do wonder if I have seen "signs" that Papa is telling me he is okay.  I have seen 2 rainbows in the sky.  I hadn't ever seen a rainbow in December before ...when it hadn't even rained.  I think of him and hope.

He knows how much I love rainbows.


Papa's funeral was beautiful.  There was an outpouring of love there.  He was loved.  The church was full.  It was beautiful with white twinkling lights up for Christmas.  Stories of Papa washed over me one  by one and I think they would have made him laugh.  He laughed a lot, and he loved a lot.  He was kind.  He was honored.  The Guard presented my mom with a flag and did a 21 gun salute right outside of the church.  The silver helmets reflected the twinkle lights like fire on the heads of the soldiers.  The church was silent as they folded the flag.  There was not a dry eye as my Uncle Don played Taps.  And Nanna wanted to hear Just a Closer Walk With Thee.  David Maggi and David Cummings played it as we left the church and it was unlike anything I imagined at a funeral.  It was a New Orleans inspired duet of Trumpet and Piano and it seemed to lift every soul to the sky.  I felt closer to my dad at that moment than I had in a long time, I am sure.