Hold me

Jack is 20 months old. He has never slept more than 4 hours in a row...and he has only done that 2 times in his lovely little life. On average, Jack is awake every 2 1/2 hours at night and he calls for me to come and hold him, rock him, and nurse him back to sleep. Some nights it is a breeze and takes me 8 minutes. Some nights it takes me 3 hours....

So we moved Greta's baby crib into our room and sidecar'd it to our bed. On the nights where he won't let me put him back down I bring him into this crib. And, from there he climbs me until dawn, trying to nurse on every boob-like thing he can find...my nose, my elbows, my ear lobes, my actual boob and my not so flat stomach.

Hello wall. I am hitting you.

I have not slept more than 4 hours straight in 20 months and I am now out of options. I swore I would never cry it out with my babies. I swore there would be another solution. I swore they would sleep with ease when they were ready, not when I was ready.

But, today for his nap, I laid Jack down in his cozy little crib after nursing him for about 30 minutes. He was still awake and I walked out of the room. He cried for 3 minutes and I couldn't take it anymore and went back in. He was sweaty and covered in snot and tears and slobber. He had red spots all over his face from crying.

I held him and rocked him and thought we would try it again another day. Then another 30 minutes passed and he wasn't going to sleep but was looking all around with that one eye (the other one was looking at my boob). I told him that he was a big boy and could do it just like his sister...and I laid him down and walked out.

This time I brushed my teeth and listened to him cry. 7 minutes. I went back in and held him and rocked him and shhhhhh'd him. I told him he should just go to sleep and we would do it together. No deal. He was onto me and wasn't even blinking his eyes shut. After another 30 minutes of rocking, I laid him down and walked out. I took a shower and could still hear him crying.
By the time I shut the water off, he was kind of hollering, but it didn't sound like there were tears. He was kicking his crib, so I could tell he was laying down.

I dressed and brushed my hair and put on some make up and then there was silence. He fell asleep. He cried himself to sleep and I feel like the worst mother on the planet Earth. I hope with everything that this wasn't all for nothing. I hope he learned he can drift off with out me. I hope he doesn't hold a grudge. I hope we both get some sleep now.

Hold me.